Could be you’re getting this Sullygram Valentine a couple heartbeats too late on the calendar. Sorry for that, but I twanged Cupid’s bow around the 10^th, and the arrow lands I know not where (or when). That’s the trouble with a mass mailing in the age of algorithms.

In any case, it seems overwhelmingly appropriate to counter the nation’s preoccupation with politically poisonous darts with Cupid’s concupiscent arrows. There is so much hate in the country of late, Valentine’s Day couldn’t come soon enough. If love is blind, knee-jerk politics is deaf and blind. I’ve been shocked by how many tight relationships among couples I know are deteriorating over ideological differences. Shouldn’t be. Shouldn’t let the outside world erode the fundamental attraction and sympathy of a relationship. Very disturbing. And dangerous for society as a whole. So, a little humor here, please, but with a definite message to enhance connections between couples who are struggling to stay close. A warning: gonna write about…(sex). But in consideration of the broad range of people who will read this, I will try to use euphemisms that are old enough or quaint enough to be innocuous.

It’s never too late to twang the bow, warm the cockles of the heart, make the candles pop, steam someone’s glasses, kick-start the flutters, twitterpate, or fire the arrow. The world is full of belated love, affection, romance and passion. Being completely objective on the subject (cough, gag, puh-puh), I offer my recommendations for those alienated relationships suffering from gland-to-gland combat. So, whether you’re dealing with ED (Election Dysfunction) or symptoms of relationship fatigue, rarely is there a good reason to ban boom-chick-a-wow-wow. Before I get to some underlying issues that may need to be addressed, let it be noted that shutting down your own joint sessions of congress right there on the Beautyrest parallel parking lot where you drive Miss Daisy for adult naptime is couple-destructive.

Either person can initiate healing if the other is willing, and I’m aiming this at anyone interested in love/romance/sex, but since I’m a guy, I’ll approach this through that gender. Dear brother studs, even if you know everything there is to know about being a great lover, you also know how easy it is to just abbreviate your complex life into daily problem-solving and nightly carnal knowledge, so I’ll say the obvious: you can’t just put on some ancient music like Martha & the Vandellas “Dancing in the Sheets,” do your unpatented moves, and call it a night. Not if you want a thriving connection. Not ever, let alone on Valentine’s night! You have to appeal to the total woman. Let her know she has the power to make you melt. Sure-sure, taking it from the sweet sting of desire to “release the Kracken” to the christening of the yak may sound like up curtain/down curtain to you, but to her it may feel like you’re fumbling for pocket change, especially if she’s already delivered a couple of babies. She wants you to do more than just focus on the box the kid came in.

So, for your first act of darkness at the end of each day consider getting in touch with her-the-person, the woman who did a million things in the hours you were apart, who had new thoughts or old anxieties that are still bottled up, the mom of your children. Listen to her, talk to her, and when you remember the awe you felt when you first dreamed of having that luminescent being in your life full-time, then the light is green to zoom in and appreciate her allure. Could be you’ll discover she’s very good at extreme flirting if you give her a chance and some reassurance. Could even lead to role-playing or roll-playing that turns missionary matrimony into a bedroom rodeo. Let formula-free be the formula. Just pay attention to the cues. If you’re really focused on who she is, you’ll know when to commence the assault with a friendly weapon. Hint: assault doesn’t mean assault, it means she wants to feel irresistible, that when she reaches critical mass, it’s because melt-down of both your desires just became inevitable. Then again, she may take it to you. Be prepared with backup sartorial splendor in case she tears your clothes off.

The main thing is to know that intimacy begins from that first glance in the middle of the day, or the feeling of electricity when you pass each other, or the not-so-inadvertent touches exchanged in mundane tasks. Think of it as a day-long sexual bell curve that begins with subtle nuances, builds to a heart-stopping roller coaster, and slows in the aftermath to the tender warmth of a wordless sanctuary. If you didn’t have a silent cuddle somewhere in there or pillow-talk, you missed a billboard somewhere.

Let her know she has the power to turn you into a lion, and then make you tranquil with joy. Give her some context beyond physical release so that it isn’t just – OK, done. Wasn’t that nice? I love you. G’night. Zzzzzzz. Because if you consistently bail on emotional intimacy, the physical intimacy will likewise dwindle. Besides the obvious danger of leaving her frozen at the very crest of a pent-up wave that never gets to spend its passion on the soar to the shore, she’s going to feel increasingly cheap and used, if not downright resentful. She might fake euphoria and the aftermath of ecstasy some of the time, if she hopes you’ll magically awaken to her total needs and emotions, but if she feels worthless, bouncy-bouncy is gonna go from unfulfilling to undesired.

Expect change. She already fears that age is gonna cost her some mojo from across the bedroom with the lights on. But if you’re growing tenderly older together, your testosterone will auto-update so that it gets triggered by the other things in her repertoire. Like maybe her personality (yup, she’s got one) or maybe how her mind is expanding (yours too?) or how she comes on when you make her feel secure as opposed to how she shuts down when you don’t. Meaningful communication is paramount. “Meaningful,” like with no cell phones, no TV, kids elsewhere or down for the count. And if you’re reading this in time for Valentine’s Day, roses are poses – so if you go that route, the presentation needs some imagination, else she’ll notice the thorns along with the petals.

Photos below: #1 the trails at Elm Creek have many hills for those who think Nordic skiing is just flat skiing (it rarely is); #2 yours truly in part of Northern Lights trail; #3-4 Northern lights; #5 my grandlad Seamus after deciding on the spur of the moment to have all his hair cut off; #6-7 heading into back trails; #8-10 cue Twilight Zone; #11 moi; #12 leaving Northern Lights.

Thomas "Sully" Sullivan