Have you ever seen an immortal tree? Me neither. How about an immortal rainbow garden bursting with scarlet roses and Nikko blue hydrangea? Dead and gone in a few months – puh! I don’t get it. Why do flowers and trees age? Do they smoke, drink, put on weight, suffer the inflammatory ravages of stress and cortisol, go all to seed (pun intended)? Come to think of it, the seasons age and die too. Bummer. Who designed this? No, let’s not go there. Eden is a whole other Sullygram.

The thing of it is, Minnesota rain clouds have been stingy this year, and it’s been survival of the fittest amongst the flora and fauna. Most of it looks prematurely aged. And then there’s the pandemic making humans struggle between the rage to live and going fallow. Lives – including we who have opposable thumbs – are dying to live! It’s like everyone can hear their clock ticking and they can’t decide whether to hunker down or go get a pedicure. I’ve never seen so much fear of death vs fear of living.

And that’s a mystery to me. Granted, I’m out of sync with what you might call the progressions of life. Slow aging is kind of a family tradition, but that too is another Sullygram. What this Sullygram is about is false aging and what a waste of years that is. Who’s living your life, anyway? Ken and Barbie in the rearview mirror? You’re you, and even when you wanted your baby teeth to come out or your pecs or your boobs to burst past puberty, you were starting to die. Not just cells flaking off or haircuts and chewed fingernails. The very stuff that was growing up was also in decline. Your hearing was diminishing by the time you were six. But you were worried about the façade, right -- the you in the mirror? Ken and Barbie reached superficial perfection and never aged.

Apologies if that sounds like I’m trivializing aging. I receive a lot of email from people alarmed by physical changes as they get older, and I know it’s more than just fear and denial. Even without diseases that can strike at any age, hormones that protect us in some stages of life retire. Skin stretches, ligaments loosen, fat cells migrate, hair greys and thins, joints and vertebrae stop dancing together flawlessly, smiles and squints leave their ebbs around eyes and mouths like successive tides on a beach. It’s gravity and biological entropy calling the tune after age 30. Mark Twain said if you can’t go to old age by a good road, don’t go. So, what is a good road?

It’s different for men and women. Different for each one of us, really. And if you read all the construction warnings of hazards and repairs along that road or take in all the billboards selling cosmetic coverups, you can’t be blamed for wanting to turn back the odometer. But that by itself can sink your ship, because lock-stepping yourself to societal cues and expectations about aging is a sure-fire way to make them into self-fulfilling prophecies.      

A better roadmap to follow is the customized one inside yourself that includes how young you feel. It covers how you engage with people, how you converse and think. It’s a map that records inspiration, imagination, energy and all the landmarks you added through experience. It shows how wisdom has honed your appeal and deepened what you have to offer. It also reveals dead ends you may have detoured into and blind alleys that trapped you. In the latter case, it’s never too late to escape. Let the truer map inside you guide your journey. Go deep. The wine in the cellar ages well; but superficial vanity ages ugly.

In short, much of aging is either a myth, exaggerated, or skin deep. These days, centenarians are running marathons and climbing mountains. That’s not a requirement for healthy living, but there are a hundred thousand people who have passed the century mark in the US alone, projected soon to be half a million. Some 60 million other Americans are exploring the landscape beyond retirement right now. Scientists say supercentenarians living routinely into their 120s to 130 will be common in the coming decades. Whatever your individual destiny, no one has to be limited by an actuarial or the consequences of bad habits and soft living. Actuarials may be the average, but they are not the norm as humans are designed. Your major needs – your motivating aspects – are capable of going the distance. 

So, cool your jets. Well…not too cool. Sex and sexuality like heat, and there’s no reason for your libido and your thermostat to part ways. To be sure, physical changes happen. Especially to women because of their complex role in carrying children. Stretch marks, post-partum depression, menopause, dryness, hysterectomies, vaginal prolapse – intimacy can turn into a nightmare of angst and stress for an experienced woman simply wanting to feel relevant in a youth-centered culture. “It’s not the same!” I’ve heard females confide about sex in their relationships after multiple childbirths. But the sexuality can be the same. The love – that part women complain that men ignore. It can even get better. Love can bind with passion in wonderful, imaginative, thoroughly erotic ways not necessarily confined to a midnight hour.    

A man faces changes, too. While none of the internal changes of menopause or child-bearing plague him, external stresses can distract his focus and drain his libido. Drinking, smoking, obesity and a sedentary lifestyle all take a toll on a man’s capabilities. Declining energy and bedroom familiarity may impact his drive. The good news is that healthy men can minimize decline into their 90s and beyond if they stay active. Even producing semen continues, if potency does not. But don’t count on the latter for birth control – the oldest American to father a child was 101 by a woman who was 38. That said, ebbing testosterone that was once on autopilot becomes increasingly subject to stimulation. And stimulation has a psychological component that is very vulnerable to relationship issues. As with women, emotional issues can shut down a man’s sexual interest, and while she may be able to hide it in a passive role, he cannot. Freight a relationship with conflicts and arousal becomes problematic. It’s a catch-22 for the male. If he brings up the relationship conflict, he will almost certainly turn the woman off; and if he suppresses it within himself, he poisons his own arousal. Truth be told, it’s a performance asset for a man to have sex with a woman he doesn’t actually love, because then there are no emotional conflicts or buzz-kill issues. There. I’ve broken the male code of secrecy, and I’ll probably turn up the victim of a contract hit by morning. Sex. It’s more emotional for men than you think. True, the greater the emotion that is invested by a man in a woman, the greater the potential to be turned off, but I guess I like that. It’s what makes romantic idealism work.

Another major myth about aging, if I can trust the candor of many testimonials shared with me, has to do with loneliness. We all need to relate to other lives, but anyone can get lonely, even with other people if their deeper aspects go unaddressed. The irony for people who have lived in growth mode all their lives is that just when they have the most to offer, they find their pool of close connections thinning out. Aging often diminishes contacts and context for obvious reasons, and isolation will drive some people to despair, while, for others, it’s a mixed blessing that they have to learn to balance. Women especially may discover freedom for the first time after divorce or the death of a spouse. Simply caring for a pet may fill the social need, or a select relationship with someone under separate roofs, or regular socialization with different individuals or groups. The point is, there are ways to compensate for every change in life and loneliness is not automatic.

I hope my candor helps you frame your own journey, but remember that at any age it’s not one-size-fits-all. My demographic includes facts that might be far from yours. I’ve always been independent, always been physically and mentally active. I don’t fit very many social norms but find it easy to respond to people of any age or gender. I have few material needs, and most of all I know who the love-of-my-life is. Your circumstances are equally unique. The thing to know is that you can adapt to almost anything simply by avoiding herd mentalities. If you need sanctions and affirmations more or less constantly, the world is full of comforts. If you’re a romantic idealist, your dreams can sustain you. Your mind feeds your fate. Learn to recognize what you relate to and pursue it.

Switching gears, here’s something I relate to with the imminent Olympics. There are few issues that actually make me angry, but one of them is the sending of athletes to represent America who make it clear that they will break protocols of respect for the national anthem of their country – the country that gave them the opportunity to travel and compete. Such representation isn’t simply about them as individuals but rather a forum for nations to meet in friendly competition. I’ve represented America twice internationally in swimming and numerous times in water polo and was grateful for the honor and mindful of the purpose. It was never about the greater glory of individuals expressing their separate ideologies and agendas. The honor and the free trips were always about being an American representing the United States. UNITED. I understood that I was standing in for all Americans of any beliefs, and that it was not an opportunity to spit in the face of the nation whose largess provided me my selection. I didn’t have to compete, didn’t have to accept the choice. If I wanted to shame America, I could’ve done so by staying home. Those athletes who now double deal the honor are effectively doing the same thing as if you invited them into your home on a red carpet and they crapped on it. The shame is theirs, and I’m outraged that some of these athletes who have already disrespected America are being allowed for a second time to represent the country they claim as theirs. They are welcome to be heretics as provided by our country’s freedoms. They should not be welcome to be hypocritical heretics, accepting material representation and renouncing it by omissions and expressions in the same venue. I won’t be recognizing them, whatever the outcomes in the Olympics. As far as I’m concerned, their performances as individuals are null and void. Any medals they win are orphans, and any single sport teams they are on are forfeit in international standings. These apostate participants are not Olympians from the United States. They are free to reject the honors they have sought under the guise of representing the country as a whole. They are not free to eagerly seize that opportunity and then betray it. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

Photos below: from the back channels of my backyard to a rain-soaked shirt where it wasn’t covered by the life jacket, I loved every second of this magical afternoon spent kayaking in the rain. Plus a photo from water polo days…

Thomas "Sully" Sullivan